I’m one of those who would rather win than lose.I’d rather be successful than fail. I’m a lover not a fighter (I claim) but if I must ‘fight’ its an odd war. No nukes, no kicks, no punches and most times I just retreat. Maybe you identify, maybe you don’t
You may know me as a tough cookie. I’m that girl who pretty much has everything under control. I can afford a smile even when I’m aching on the inside. I prefer to sort out my drama behind closed doors, all by myself. By the time we hook up and hang out I’m Michelle the noise maker, the life of the party. Defense mechanism perhaps but I find my strength in laughter. When it pains, I laugh. When it hurts, I laugh. When I’m clueless, I laugh. When I’m sad, when I’m low, when things aren’t right, I laugh.
Then I get to the place where I’m ‘all laughed out’. I hate this place coz I’ve run out of camouflage. So I run, as fast and as far as my gingerbread legs can carry me I run. I run because I can see challenges that I’m not ready to face without my laugh. I’m afraid to fail, afraid of flaws, afraid that I don’t have the strength to keep up the appearances. I run and go back to my part time job in the construction industry. I go back to building my walls. Each day, theres a new brick. Slowly I build these walls hoping to keep the audience out. I switch off my phone, I disappear. I run. Yet, I’m always secretly hoping that some external factor will bring these walls down…
Yes, my life’s a struggle. I usually have great seasons then something happens. *Insert nose-dive here* I got born-again in 2006, the walk has mostly been great. Its something I’ve always wanted to ‘WIN’ at. There came the bumps and each time there seems to be a bigger bump ahead of me.I realize that even as a child of God its not an assurance for a drama free life. Still, I’ve felt the need to keep up appearances and I realized that I was gonna lose at the ‘appearances game’ so I figured..why walk the straight and narrow and lose? I didn’t want any embarrassment, So I chose to just live, get by.I chose something easy, coz I could win.
Just living, made me happy but just for a little while. We can say I ‘dumped’ God. I dumped the one who gave His son for me. I gave in to my struggles in a bid not to deal with my struggles. I dumped the gift He gave me, built those walls to keep out the people He put in my life… Same old tactics! Luckily, the God I dumped doesn’t call me His ex-child. He hasn’t disowned. The God I dumped found me behind those walls.
Here I am, not keeping up appearances. I struggle with sin and I struggle to live the Christian life.I have my physical, mental and social struggles.This sometimes makes me feel like a lower caste Christian. The truth is I sometimes wonder if I’ll fight this good fight to the end. I don’t want to lose. I want to win. I have hope, I have prayer, I have the Holy Spirit and I have the church. I can win.My God knows me intimately and accepts me despite my failings.
You know what, the devil is a liar. He makes you feel like you need to build those walls. He tells you to stay away coz God isn’t interested in your sinning self. God is always interested in you coz He made you for Himself.
I need to remember these struggles are for a reason, maybe one day I’ll be able to help someone going through the same. Through these struggles may my God be glorified.May my struggles draw me closer to God and keep me relying on God. My struggles are a way for God to mold me.My struggles will direct me towards the throne of Grace instead of away from it. I shouldn’t run.
If I wanna live by my own strength, I’m set up to lose. If I live by God’s strength I am destined to win. Yes I’m gonna make it.
Here’s a song I wrote a little while ago. You may have already heard it on the OPEN HEAVENS MIXTAPE from the MadLove Lounge. Strugglin features my friend BlackSkillz. I remember, I was really down the day I had this session and wrote the song.I almost didn’t show up but I made my way to the “Mixtape Session”.I hid my pain well and to many people, it was just a song but it was my story at that point in time and I’m glad I wrote it.